Posts Tagged ‘religion’

Check out them pointy heeled shoes! (and the socks, those became a aristocratic fashion symbol too!)

Check out them pointy heeled shoes! (and the socks, those became a aristocratic fashion symbol too!)

Fashion is all about leaning forward.  Designers do their thing by pushing the limits and this post is almost a stream of conscience reaction to men’s fashion because I highly doubt one day we will have practicing Muslim males showing up at masjids wearing mini skirts and high heels and the while sporting burly beards.

Did you think high heels were only a women thing?  If so you are completely wrong!  In fact, thanks to Persian (Muslim Safavid) fashion, heels made their way into European court (Shah Abbas’s diplomatic missions to Germany, Russia and Spain).  Soon enough, heels were all the rage amongst the aristocrats from Vienna to Westminster (until Napoleon banned them, I wonder what complex he had against them since it would only have helped him!).  What Persians had worn out of necessity, the heels helped them control their stately steeds in battle, were soon to be regulated into the world of women’s high end fashion, Jimmy Choo’s, anyone?

But the current trend in fashion for androgynous fashion- the mixing of masculine and feminine characteristics (think Prince, Marilyn Manson, Annie Lennox, Boy George, Steven Tyler…).  Basically its the ideal of either having no gender value, or having some aspects generally attributed to the opposite sex.  I would say would be the idea that in Europe little boys could not wear pants during the Victorian era because those garments were the exclusive dress of grown men.  So women wearing pants during that time was unthinkable (interestingly enough Paris just took off the ban on women wearing pants but the Hijab is not permitted!).

Well bringing back the blog to relevancy, I was perusing through Pinterest’s collection of Men’s Fashion pins and came across the JW Anderson collection, I was immediately reminded of the many men’s fashion restrictions placed by the Prophet.  JW Anderson has created the perfect line of boy’s dressed in mini skirts and I cringe at the thought that his design might influence other men’s designers to follow suit, happily though, this whole thing is a blurb that history will allow us to laugh at, or maybe not… Judge for yourself:

J.W.-Anderson-boys in dresses sipping tea

So besides this being the bane of fashion and totally a FML moment, I wondered what the Prophet had to say about this, because he had a lot to say about men’s fashion and not just about women’s fashion (i.e. the Hijab) yet we barely hear about that in our culture wars.  For instance in one Hadith the men who shave their beards were seen to be to be outside the realm of mercy from Allah (as Reported by Ibn Abbas (R.A.) in Tibrabi).  (Apparently beards also keep you healthy, go figure!)

In one variant, “The Messenger of Allah cursed men who made themselves look like women and women who made themselves look like men.” [al-Bukhari]

Also:

Abu Hurayra said, “The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, cursed any man who wears women’s clothes and any woman who wears men’s clothes.” [Abu Dawud]

...if heels aren't your thing, then try this pair of mary jane shoes!

…if heels aren’t your thing, then try this pair of mary jane shoes!

The whole thing is just fascinating to me because it seems to me the projection of societal norms is leaning towards this androgynous fashion.  Pop culture is thriving on this norm, within the fashion industry this style of gender neutral clothing has been raising itself in one form or another since the 1990′s.  The acceptance of skinny jeans, and even women’s jeans worn by teenagers (sometime rock stars) is increasingly becoming acceptable.

I do then wonder how Islam will cope with this trend.  Women wearing jeans, at least in the West, is now a settled fashion question.  Though from what I understand girls can’t wear trouser type things during prayer therefore they will don long flowly garbs.

Clearly cross dressing by men is prohibited in Islam but what about androgynous or “genderless” dress, or transgenders in general in Islam?

(Curiously enough is there a “necessity clause” for instance in the case of Mualana Abdul Aziz of Lal Masjid standoff fame, who was caught trying to escape arrest while wearing a burka?)

In my search for this I ran across this article on Transgenderism and Islam, where I found a translation of renowned Hadith scholar An-Nawawi.

I unfortunately can’t share due to copyright restrictions.  which makes me hate JSTOR, may God rest Aaron Swartz soul and allow his mission be accomplished!

But the what I can share I am pulling from Wikipedia just to avoid any sanctions or what have you:

“A mukhannath is the one (“male”) who carries in his movements, in his appearance and in his language the characteristics of a woman. There are two types; the first is the one in whom these characteristics are innate, he did not put them on by himself, and therein is no guilt, no blame and no shame, as long as he does not perform any (illicit) act or exploit it for money (prostitution etc.). The second type acts like a woman out of immoral purposes and he is the sinner and blameworthy.”

While the whole thing requires more reading on my part, I will leave you with this.  In the same country as the Burka Wearing Mullah, the Pakistani Supreme Court ruled that the government must take proactive steps to protect transsexuals from harassment and discrimination, although no legislation in the area of gender identity exists.  Pakistan officially protects ‘Third gender’ discrimination back in 2010.  Which is not to say that the actual protection occurs, but if you ever visit Pakistan, its totally an open secret that no one officially wants to recognize.

The last thing to remaining untouched in this post on fashion is the elephant that never leaves the room- Hijab- and well, on that account I will borrow the Nobel Peace Prize Tawakkul Karman, the mother of Yemen’s revolution, response to a question by a journalist on how the hijab is not proportionate with her level of education and intellect:

“Man in early times was almost naked, and as his intellect evolved he started wearing clothes. What I am today and what I’m wearing represents the highest level of thought and civilization that man has achieved, and is not regressive. It’s the removal of clothes again that is a regression back to the ancient times.”

Tattoo’s are haraam in Islam.  Haraam being that the act is strictly forbidden.  It will lead you to hell, but it isn’t necessarily your ticket to hell, for that there really is the ONE unforgivable Sin.  The Sin of Sins that you can’t repent from, and getting a tattoo is not one of those.  If you happen to be Shia Muslim, tattoo’s are not haraam for you then.  But as a Sunni, of Hanafi school of thought, a tattoo just is out of the question.  Unless of coarse you find yourself a “Halal Tattoo” Parlor (see below) then its significantly less haraam, maybe, but don’t take my fatwa for it baby.

 

 

 

 

 

halal tattoo

http://allisonnazarian.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/dontknow.jpg

Ever wonder how a politician could possibly know everything? Can it be omnipresence? When I was younger I just was in awe at how politicians could answer all the questions being asked of them, how they must have amazing memories but also a voracious appetite for information.  To me that put a politician in a special breed of humans, one that I knew I couldn’t possibly be part of because my ability to remember things was near zilch (though my ability to take complex things and break them down was pretty awesome).

Then came President Bush, the second, and the whole notion of politicians knowing everything was squashed, but also a new reality dawned on me, maybe politicians were amazing BS spitters, like me.  Whats fascinating though is that we have made politicians this way.

Politicians are the special breed of animals they are because of our expectations of them.  Imagine if a natural disaster happens and a politicians responds to a reporters answer that “they don’t know”.   A slew of follow up questions follow.  The storm builds if its found that the politician not only doesn’t know but has no idea how to find out the answer to the question.

In that way I feel the old saying about how politicians are a reflection of the society is so apt.  Not only does our society expect that from politicians but it rewards, cheers on in fact, those who vigorously push a partisan idea.  This same behavior is dispersed throughout society from academia to boardrooms.   There simply is no way to gracefully say that “I don’t know the answer” or that “there are places where your point seems plausible.”

I find this all incredibly relevant today as I sit back to read, listen and watch a Congressionally manufactured economic crisis called the fiscal cliff.

Our politics is so messed up that our politicians, in order to accomplish something meaningful for the country, have to manufacture crisis that could plunge the country into deeper trouble then were they able to put aside their egos and partisan pet ideology to comprise a solution that is for the greater good of the American people.

I am reminded of Islamic history, in particular an incident with Imam Malik, where a man travelled a long distance to ask him about a particular hadith.  Imam Malik was a scholar of scholars, the very fountain of the knowledge that held the faithful together.  When this man asked his question, Imam Malik simply said “I don’t know.”

Can you imagine in a time where transportation wasn’t easy being told by the greatest scholar at the time that he doesnt know the answer to your question.  You traveled there not for business, let alone pleasure, but to get answers to a list of questions and are told that there were no answers.  I once heard a khateebh, don’t remember who to attribute the quote to, say that saying “I don’t know” was half the process of gaining knowledge.

In the end I don’t think our politicians will change anytime soon.  However, I am a firm believer in change starting with ourselves.  When we change, those around us notice and respond accordingly.  What we can practice in our lives is to be careful in making statements because we will be held accountable for them, and to hold ourselves accountable when we do speak.  Granted my perspective of politicians is a bit generalized and there are politicians that will say they don’t have the answers but will get them, however, there are too few of those around these days.  Therefore,  being an activist is not just about going out to stomp the ground for positive change, rather, its also about being a force of change within yourself.  I believe that being a progressive requires this type of change.

Picture is from Allison Nazarian’s blog, in particular this post about realizing the power of saying “I don’t know.”

islam muslim friday prayers

I snapped this while at the 2012 MAS Convention in Long Beach during the Jummah khutbah by Imam Siraj Wahaj. The kid on the floor is resting his head on the knee of his buddy in the wheelchair with the pink cast on his right foot. Love the brotherhood!

Friday Khutbah

I was fortunate enough to be at the 2012 MAS Los Angeles Convention in Long Beach where I got to listen to Imam Siraj Wahaj.  He is, as one friend put it, the Imam of Imams in the United States and I love listening to him preach because of his combining of Black preaching with Sunni traditional theology.  He calls out the Immigrant Islam that is pervasive in the community, but without alienating folks because he gently reminds them that here in America there is a mixing of cultures and no one culture is “Islamic” but rather we need to cultivate a uniquely American culture that represents our faith.

His khutbah was pretty awesome.  I loved the idea he presented about imitation.  It was simplistic but was very much an amazing reflection and reminder for me.  The Imam stated that imitation is an innately human characteristic.  Its an attribute that can show the best in humanity or the worst, to that end the Imam said that we often don’t reflect on how we imitate certain people in our behavior and that we need to be cognizant of this.  The best of people for Muslim to imitate are the Prophets and the best of Prophets is Muhammad SAW.  Obviously the Imam said that we can’t embody everything but thats why there is the Sahaba and the righteous generation that followed them and from those people we can identify the characteristics that are most reflective in our individual selves and work to be more like them.

Blog in Review

So I haven’t posted a Friday round up for week 8.  Partly because I had things going on and I didnt have much to post up about regarding the Khutbah.  But I have been posting various blogs, for example I posted the fears I have about turning 30.  Its kind of a big thing for me because of the situation I am in with my academic, professional and personal life.  Lots of folks responding to that blog post with encouragement and sage advice about getting older.

There were a bunch of posts about organic farming starting with one that outlines my thoughts about it, then it goes into my first do-it-yourself (DIY) project around organic urban farming and then a follow up on the fact that my worms were still alive.

Other things

Next week I will post up some stuff on Blackamerican Muslims and the Third Resurrection a book written by Dr. Sherman Jackson. (UPDATE, had some time so posted an excerpt here.)  I also hope to finish up Jack Kennedy by Chris Matthews, its been a book I have been reading for ages and just can’t seem to finish.

Also in other news, I am going to start blogging for the Religious Left Blog on my experience with NewGround Fellowship.  I also hope to have something posted on Altmuslimah hopefully in the coming few days.  Aside from that I currently am wrapping up a post election reflection piece that looks at what American Muslim activists and leaders have to say about political activism moving forward in the next four years for Illume Magazine.

Looking forward to December I will be in San Diego and Sacramento respectively and then back for the New Years, hopefully I can figure out my life sometime around then so that the New Year starts with something positive.

In other news, I have to say I am disturbed by Black Friday.  In fact I now refuse to participate in any shopping on Black Friday.  I can’t believe that as a nation we would take time to give thanks for all the things we have and then trample on one another like wild beasts for the things we want to buy and might not even need.  The deals are whack, the behavior is whack and the whole consumerist endeavor is on steroids.  This video below was something that just made me shake my head in disgust.

 

A case for Education reform

A little piggy at the University of Alabama helped make a point for President Obama’s education reform campaign. Unfortunately for her it might be to late for her to benefit from it, however, I am certain she probably wouldn’t even be able to find “Kenia” on a world map. Fox News is also missing “there” cartographer and spell checker. I am happy she didnt spell “somewhere” “sum-where” and “village” “vilage”- education hasn’t completely failed her.  I know its not my picture, but like the Comedy Centrals Daily Show- this right here is a moment of social-political zen-  some town in Alabama doesn’t want its idiot back and I am sure the University of Alabama is hoping this particular idiot fails out.

Friday Khutbah Review

Todays Khutbah was pretty amazing.  It was simple and straight forward.  The focus was on these new breeds of folks who just say Muslims should follow the Quran and only the Quran.

I am not new to this type of argument and in fact I have met folks that believe in this ideology.  The Khateeb broke it down and smashed the perspective for being built on spiritual laziness.  Basically there are so many things in the Sunnah through hadith that are not found in the Quran, tossing the hadith would result in our inability to know how to appropriately pray, fast, get married and many other aspects of daily life as a Muslim.

Round the Blogosphere

Not to many updates, largely because I been in San Francisco and havent done all my blogposts.  However, if you aren’t following me on Twitter you should, you get instantaneous entertainment when I go offline like this past trip @socalmoslem.

  • For updates on my San Francisco trip- if anyone is interested in reading the review- Hotel Vertigo.  For the full Muir Woods Experience read here.

Other Exciting Things

The election is next Tuesday.  I am really happy to be getting this over with.  I am tired of all of it.  Go vote.  People are dying around the world.  Here in this country women have fought to get the right to vote.  Blacks fought and died for that right.  Countless minorities struggle to get the right to vote.  Beyond the Presidential politics there are many many many other things that are on the ballot that require you vote.  Its a civic duty, an amana, and I warn you not to take it lightly.

Follow me on Twitter (@socalmoslem) so you can follow my election day tweets.

Its another set of 10 days- those of Dhul Hajj.  Hajj…sigh.  Well if you can’t go for Hajj, there are the 10 days leading into Eid and the most important day for everyone, regardless if you’re performing Hajj or not, is the Day of Arefa.  As those 10 days start (today), I was reflecting on how this year I have been able to keep the Ramadan spirit going, much longer then usual.  These are the 5 things I feel I have been able to do to keep that Ramadan feeling:

1.  Don’t jump out of the deep end: I think one of the things we do during Ramadan is we participate in a great deal of sunnah activities- extra prayers, reading more Quran, sitting together to share food, longer duahs.  All of these things are easier during Ramadan and in return are what add to the Ramadan spirit.  By extending those activities, even a fraction of the intensity of Ramadan, into the rest of your year will help you keep hold of Ramadan.  For me, this year that is a significant change.

2.  Mercy is a Year Round Thing:  During Ramadan we are filled with Rahma, as Allah floods our lives with Rahma.  I feel that one thing we lose after Ramadan is that sense of Rahma and in turn we begin to lose the Ramadan spirit.  We worked on holding onto Rahma by doing good deeds, being kind, smiling, having good thoughts, doing things for ourselves, family, friends and strangers that we weren’t asked to do.  We showed mercy to ourselves, others and the environment during Ramadan because those were good deeds that were being multiplied, we should continue that even if the deeds aren’t being multiplied.

3.  Stay close to those who make you the person you are.  Family orientated activities, that don’t deal with business, were the central part of Ramadan.  In fact, those activities were all about our faith, we gathered because of our religion.  Eating together, breaking bread, cooking together- all of these activities brought the family and friends together during Ramadan.  Doing things that are like that, removing the trappings of business and consumerism or multitasking, and even better electronics, will help keep that Ramadan spirit going.

4.  Cut the static- I talked about cutting the cable cord.  I think one of the things that really helps the Ramadan spirit is not being governed by television or its content.  Use your DVR, limit your tube time, watch the content your consuming.I Performed the five daily prayers with greater concentration throughout the day I was better able to monitor my thoughts and censor and control my own impulses easily.  Also, checking social media like a crack addict, or having that cell phone around texting all the time, it layers on all these connections and responsibilities that allows you to lose yourself and lose sight of your God conscientiousness.  I find that its important to cut that out of my life, so I can devote my time and attention to God, myself and family and friends.

5.  Do good deeds.  Part of Rahma, is understanding the suffering of others.  Anticipating the needs of others is a way to become sensitive to other peoples life.  Learning to walk a mile in another persons shoes is that old saying that oft gets repeated but is so hard to truly live by.  In having a sense of participating in the suffering of others, is our way as Muslims to get near to Rahma in Islam because you raise your consciousness of God and his infinite mercy toward us.

photo of the week 1

Saw a kid wearing this red shirt after the Khutbah, I choose this as my photo of the week to share with you.

Trying something new.  The “Friday Round Up” is sort of my way to wrap up the week.  I am researching and contacting people and organizations for some of the articles I am writing, along with the blog posts I have been writing here and elsewhere, so I thought I could give a quick summary for folks who find my writing to be verbose.  Also, this was the fourth khutbah (Friday Sermon) in a row that I walked out of feeling incensed by what I heard, Friday Round Up will feature that as well.

Friday Khutbah

Today was not a good day for my ears or faith.  The sermon’s focus, to me, seemed to be the idea of Quran in its Arabic form being a genuine article of the reality of God’s existence.  The presentation, however, focused primarily at denigrating Christianity.  I felt that I was sitting through a sermon at a Evangelical Church where the focus is “Muslims are decent people, I know a few, but the religion of Islam is a religion of terrorism.  I am not being discriminatory or racist toward Muslims.”  Except in the sermon I got to listen to I heard “Christians are decent people, but their religion is a lie and their beliefs are laughable.  I am not being discriminatory or racist toward Christians.”  Further, if the only argument in to support the existence of God is that the Quran tells me so, I find it hard that a Atheist will ever accept anything you say.  The existence of God shouldn’t be presented on the notion that “the Quran tells me so, look at the signs in there” but rather, the fact that God’s non-existence can’t be proven- so without either proof to substantiate a claim, we have our belief and our faith.  Let us move on and focus on the similarities that we share in our humanity.  A preacher who focuses his Khutbah on denigrating another religion is not only presenting a weak argument but showcasing the weakness of their faith because the whole methodology is intellectual and spiritual laziness.

On the Blogosphere

This weeks most rancorous blog post was “5 Things Muslim Girls should know about the online matrimonial sites” which got over 700 reads this week.  I didn’t get as much comments on the blog post, but definitely got several messages and IM conversations going regarding this.  For the most part people were supportive and found the post to be spot on, however, their were folks who pointed out that I did this to raise my own marriage prospects (Preposterous! Me use social media to try to find a potential spouse!) but quite a few others who said that I just ruined my chances of finding a spouse by going on the record with this…whatever the case www.altmuslimah.com approached me to rework the piece and feature it over there (link here soon).  Also out of this post came a few other requests from people, specifically- “Ways not to end a matrimonial communication” and “Things that Muslim Guys shouldn’t do” (titles are a work in progress).

Aside from that the two posts that were important to me were the one that deals with American Muslim school kids in public school (please take the CAIR Survey here, kids in California) and “MSA: New Year, New Board, Same Problems” which focuses on leadership and board development in Muslim Student Associations through a leadership retreat.  Also worth checking out is this video I posted on Comedian Anthony Griffith, who had a emotional breakdown of “the worst of times and the best of times” he lived through.  If you feel your life is going through a rough patch, watch the video.

Books I’m reading

My Kindle died this week, it was not a great week because of that.  Before it broke I was able to finish Lobbying and Policy Change: Who Wins, Who Loses and Why by a host of authors.  However, I also was reading 3 other books- An Insiders Guide to the UN by Linda Fasulo and Global Agenda: Issues before the UN 2011-2012 edited by Irwin Arieff, for a couple of articles I am hoping to write on the presidential election and nominee stances toward the UN, UN Day (which is October 24) as well as a piece I hope to write about Ambassador Rice, Rwanda genocide as it relates to the ongoing Syrian insanity.

The other book I am reading is Twitter for Good by Claire Diaz-Ortiz (there’s a website too) to develop an idea of how Twitter is being used by a) election campaigns and propositions b) by non-profits c) by the State Department/UN and finally to just get an idea of advice to people trying to use Twitter.  I read two really great articles on this one in the WSJ by Leslie Kwoh and Melissa Korn “140 Characters of Risk: CEO’s on Twitter” the other one in the Economist Sept. 22 issue “Digital Diplomacy- Virtual Relations: Foreign Ministries are getting the hang of social media”.

Other Things of Interest

So I ran across this letter that a father of a 13 year old boy wrote to his son after he discovered a crap load of pornography on his computer.  I immediately thought if this was my Dad, I wouldn’t be alive right now.  But then I got to thinking about how American Muslim fathers might address this issue if it were to happen to them, but more importantly, how would I handle this situation.  It totally weighed down on me all week and I am still thinking about it.  Its not easy and the society we live is saturated in sex that this issue is something that would drive a hormonal teenager insane- I lived through it, I don’t look back to that time period pleasantly.  You might see a post eventually on it, but please do share your thoughts.

Aside from that I have been pretty insane on twitter, my goal is to get to 12,000 tweets by the end of this year so join me on the journey @socalmoslem. Part of what I have been participating in was the #mysubwayad campaign in response to crazy Pamella’s NYC “Savage Ads” in the subways and a take back “Jihad” campaign started by CAIR Chicago called #myjihad (read Seattle Times post here).  According to Ahmed Rehab, CAIR Chicago executive director, #myjihad is a means to take back the religious term “Jihad” from the Right Wing crazies- the Taliban sort as well as the Pamela Gellers of the world.

Finally, if you’re in Los Angeles, please join me at South Asians for Obama Debate Viewing party at FarBar in Little Tokyo, Los Angeles on Oct. 3, 2012.  You can check out the details and purchase a ticket here.

When you hang out with single people, and happen to be single, the conversation usually comes around to the “marriage process”.  Over time I started to notice a trend of things guys complained about while using online services like www.halfourdeen.com or even www.eharmony.com – the last friend gave me the impetus to do something when he encouraged me to “blog about it.”  Here is my short list of the 5 things Muslim girls need to know, from a guys perspective about what message their profile sends to a prospective suitor (some of them also apply to guys as well):

1.  Seven pictures that wont bring the boys (girls) to your yard

When people refer to the marriage process in terms of a “meat market”, it’s not an exaggeration; it’s the sad reality.  When signing up for an online service, you really are in a “market” setting.  The online “marriage” scene is a “one click” process- your picture is the first, and often final, impression because a person takes an immediate glance and needs to decide to read your profile or move on.  Marketing yourself is critical to taking advantage of the site.

The following are 7 things you should not post as your profile picture or in your gallery:

  1. Pictures of flowers, a masjid, the beautiful landscape for some exotic vacation you never really went on.
  2.  Pictures of a part of your body (some guys have foot fetishes, but the operative term is “SOME”, not all or just your eyes (or if you wear a Niqab, you standing in your niqab…no, for real.  Is that really you under there?) or worse someone that is obviously not you, i.e. Salma Hayek.
  3. Pictures of you standing with guys that don’t immediately bring to mind the idea that they are your Dad/Grandfather
  4. Pictures where you are having a “wardrobe malfunction”- okay this is obviously relative, but I have to admit, if it’s a Muslim site your signed on, the rule of thumb is probably go conservative or find another service.
  5. Pictures that are obscure “Oh look! There’s Fatima standing next to a tree (five bloody miles away!).”
  6.  Pictures of some message, especially a joke- (image- http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/if-you-remember-these-your-childhood-was-not-that-awesome.jpeg)
  7. Pictures with other girls, who could also be marriageable.

The same could be said for guys posting up pictures.  I can’t imagine girls being all that thrilled at seeing a guy standing with other girls that all look like they could be his girlfriend, nor would I think girls find it appealing to see hairy pot belly stomach man, wearing a speedo at some nudist beach in Europe.  My advice is simple, think about your profile picture, or any other pictures you post, from the perspective of “Will my mom approve of this picture?” to cover your picture snafu’s (and if your mom is as quirky as you are than ask yourself “will the Imam at most-conservative-masjid-in-the-community approve of this picture?).

2.  Don’t be a contradiction, consistency is important

I read some profiles and honestly I have to wonder how simple words can mean totally different things to people.  Like the line “I am a practicing Muslim girl, looking for a religious Muslim boy”- Great! So am I.  But the pictures posted up show a girl at some night club, wearing a short skirt.  So, sure you can be a “Muslim girl” but do you honestly believe a “religious Muslim boy” would be into that?  Or, maybe my conception of “Muslim” and “religious” are just really off?

Then there are the subtle contradictions.  The profile will say “Muslim girl, independent and career orientated…looking for a guy who will complete my other half, be supportive and adventurous” but after a brief exchange guys get the sense that the girl cares nothing about her career because she’s looking to be a stay-at-home-wife, and she considers going to dinner parties on the weekdays adventurous.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that, but in a situation where you are trying to “market” yourself and get the right types of guys, language matters.

If you say something you should live up to it, the same applies to guys.  The only difference is guys move on when faced with contradictions or inconsistency.  Unfortunately guys are fickle because they have choices, backed up by the “Good Muslim Guy Shortage” theory.

3.  Before searching for Mr. Right, make sure you’re Mrs. Right

Girls usually complain about how they always talked to the wrong guy.  I am not saying guys shouldn’t be Mr. Right when you’re talking to them, they should, but I do think that girls have two things working against them- first, guys have choice; second, coupled with choice, girls not knowing what they want leaves us with the power.  Girls keep talking to the wrong guys and often times they feel powerless because of it.

I think marriage is more about finding yourself, than it is you finding your other half.  If girls come to the table having exact notion of what they are looking for from a guy, then they wont spend so much time talking to all the Mr. Not-Rights.  Empowering yourself with knowledge is good way to shift gears, think of it in the terms of marketing a car.

If you are trying to sell a Mercedes Benz but your market is largely people looking to buy a practical car, you won’t advertise the Benz in terms of its high luxury status, but you will emphasize its practical features.  The same goes for you.  People advertising a Benz know exactly what product they are dealing with and the market.  Enabling them to speak to that product and also the market they want to advertise it in because they have done the market and product research.  In the realm of marriage if you understand yourself- strengths and weaknesses, habits and peculiarities, the larger picture of what makes you tick- looking for a guy to compliment you becomes easier.

The process of getting married shouldn’t be this blind game where you’re playing Russian roulette, going from one guy-who’s-not-right to another that probably worse.  People will evolve over time as they go through the marriage process and especially after marriage.   But starting the process as a blank slate you will have a difficult time finding Mr. Right (and vice versa).

4.  Be down with the process

There are a lot of girls on the internet relationship sites who, for no fault of their own, don’t understand the process.  Part of the problem is that parents or siblings create profiles in the hopes of helping them get married.  Regardless of what brings them to the site, they treat it like another tool in a toolbox for modern day Muslim marriage process.  If anything this speaks to the dire situation we as a community are faced with in terms of the “marriage process.”  What I want to point out is that guys using the site are using it to skirt the “traditional” process.

Of coarse there are guys out there trolling- shame on them!  If you want a traditional process to get married where parents of the two prospective people sit down and meet each other, or you want the guy to call your dad and ask for his permission to talk to you- the site is two steps ahead of that process.  Using the site to fit directly into a traditional marriage process turns guys away.  I don’t think this gives license to guys to not seek out a Fathers permission or to go elope, but it does mean that before meeting the future-in-laws the two people first talk, get to know each other and then discuss the possibility of next steps (which itself is a pretty awkward process).

5.  No, Really you are still in control of the process, but there are consequences

Process is really important.  The online sites establish these protocols to go about contacting, searching, communicating and ending interactions between your prospective interests.  I personally like eHarmony in terms of process, but the price is redunkulous!  If you aren’t using eHarmony, than you- as a girl- can still control the process.  Set ground rules for communications.  Just to state the obvious, you shouldn’t be giving out your cell phone or other private information out until you are most comfortable with the whole conversation that has taken place (that means praying istikharah, talking to your parents, doing a google search-more on this later).

You control the process so you get to tell the person you’re talking to how things will proceed.  BUT YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE THIS TO THE GUY, especially since guys suck at communicating.  Understand what process your comfortable with and communicate that clearly.  The “whats next” guessing game sucks, but for you girls, its painful as well.  While you have the ability to control the process, guys are the commodities in short supply.  I mean there is a “good Muslim guy shortage” right?  We can easily just stop caring and move on because we have “options” (I don’t condone such behavior!)- so if you know how you want to go about the process, lay it out so the guy has metrics to gauge where things are going.  The downside, if you got to many rules than as a guy I am bound to break them.  So be generous and keep it simple and practical.

Eid Mubarak 2012

Eid Mubarak from the Shaikh siblings to your family!