Archive for the ‘Social’ Category

Friday Roundup- Week 3

Posted: October 12, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, Islam, Politics, Progressive, Republican, Social, Social Media
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This weeks picture comes from a Facebook friend- In Gujarat India, solar panels are laid on the vast stretches of agricultural channels to generate 1 MW of electricity per KM & prevent evaporation of 1 crore liters of water every year.
Note:A crore is a unit in the South Asian numbering system equal to 10 million.

Friday Khutbah

When a khutbah hits the spot my spirituality and Jummah experience is uplifted.  Today was all about Muslims code of conduct and ethics and how we have to be examples to those around us.  How the Prophet SAW represented that in his conduct with all aspects of community and personal life.

Around the Blogosphere

This week I posted up the 6 exit strategies that you shouldn’t use to end your communication with a prospective spouse.  Seems like people have all sorts of ways they like, or find it easy, to do that, but there should be definite lines drawn in the sand on these six ways.  Also I got some stuff up on the weird search terms that people type in to stumble onto my blog, like “Lesbian Bully Ranch“- WTF?!  Also I had my little engineering endeavor as I tried to “fix” the broken screen on my beloved Amazon Kindle.  I also wrote a piece on how folks can become better networkers and use those mixers and cocktail hours better.  Besides that I wrote a movie review of “Argo”, Ben Affleck’s political thriller that is set in post-Revolutionary Iran, you’d think its a propaganda piece, but its not.

Other Things of Interest

If you don’t know, you now know that I LOVE Nina Paley (of Sita Sings the Blues fame).  She came out with this new piece called “This Land is Mine” which is spot on given our current nuclear programs stand off with Iran.

Also, my brother handed me this book (physical) to read, “Start with the Why” by Simon Sinek (website).  He had actually shared his TEDx talk with me earlier (see below), so I was familiar with the content of the book and where he author was coming from. But for anyone who is interested in leadership, team work and what it takes to be a great leader, I recommend you check the TEDx talk out and then grab the book.

Another video worth your mbps is Gangnam style parody by Collegehumor.com- Mitt Romney Style- hilariously true in so many ways.  On a political note, last week I read the WSJ book review “Brother Tariq’s Last Stand” and then had a friend forward me The New Republic review “Tariq Ramadan’s Arab Winter“- both discussed Tariq Ramadan’s new book “Islam and the Arab Awakening“.  Both are antithetically opposed to the idea that Islam could take political shape.  I’d like to think that this is a exclusive secular perspective that stands against all forms of faith based politics, but its not.  Maybe I will post something more in particular about the criticism within the reviews- and there are some legitimate points.  But for now check it out.

Finally, to Barack the vote or not?  Over at Illume Magazine, Irfan Rydhan writes why he will be voting for Obama, again.  Whereas if you read The Atlantic, you will find Robert Wright lay out why he wont vote for Obama.  Regardless of what you feel, I encourage you to vote.  Do not sit out, to that end watch this video about making your video count.  If you really want to hear the pro’s and con’s of voting for Obama, Islamic Center of Irvine has a live debate taking place Friday, October 19, 2012.  I dont think its being podcasted or broadcasted live, but American Muslim activists will be on either side of the debate panel explaining their positions.  I do have my own thought about voting for Obama, which I will post up next week.

Talking to Someone For Marriage?- 6 Strategies That You Shouldn’t Use To End Things

Posted: October 9, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, Islam, Social
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The process for marriage is arduous riddled with all sorts of stumbling blocks because there are no hard and fast rules to help guide “the process” just a few bright-lines.  Very few “rules” are followed.  A lot of Muslim experiences are actually cultural norms, often times conflicting with our American social environment.  I wrote up a piece on “5 Things Muslim girls shouldn’t do on matrimonial websites” which lead to a host of conversations offline.  I realized I had more to say on this subject.  The following are my thoughts on ways single Muslims talking to someone for the purpose of getting married shouldn’t end the process (a couple of them have happened to me and I admit I might have used one of them), again none of them are “defined rules” so use your judgement and be civil:

1.  Visiting the Dark Side of the Moon

People tend to disappear during the conversation process without so much of a warning.  Its like when Apollo missions went to the far side of the moon and lost connection with Houston, sadly, NASA had prior warning, today people aimlessly play the guessing game.  Guys tend to be the biggest offenders of this.   The assumption that crosses peoples minds is that the person isn’t interested and just doesn’t want to tell me, or the person fears telling the individual why they don’t want to consider them, so they feel that the nicest way to end things is to just go silent.  I think thats a bad idea, especially if you’re just busy with life.  Just communicate it.   Do not end the process by just stopping communications, tell them its time to go your separate ways.  Thats called having class and being civil.

2.  Texting Demise

The first person to use this method was a self absorbed arse.  This method reeks of selfish emotional tendencies and a complete lack of civility.  I am sure if the other person made the process so difficult as to elicit a “break up text” then we could all call it a deserved ending.  However, Muslims aren’t (or at least shouldn’t) be engaged in that type of dependent “relationship” but rather talking to one another to figure out if there is room for a relationship.  Ending the process through text, no matter how easy it would be, is a BAD IDEA.  People owe it to themselves to not take the easy route on this, the challenge is to be honest to yourself and others while trying to look for your prospect spouse, so don’t cop out by ending the conversation via a text message. (Especially if you have been talking for some time)

3. Shifting the Responsibility

Much like texting, asking someone like a friend or a relative (i.e. Mom) to end the conversation in a process where you have taken the time to talk to one another is not acceptable.  Again, it might seem like the easiest or safest or harmless way to end things, but thats selfish.  A person deserves to have an adult conversation about this and an opportunity to digest the incident rather then be abruptly told that its over.  You feel guilt over wanting to end the relationship, so this seems like an easier way to do things.  You will feel like you’re the one causing pain and you don’t want to deal with the guilt.  Relinquish the guilt, its part of the process, but don’t take the easy route.

4.  Pimpin’ yourself out

Don’t be talking to two people and decide that you’re going to end it with one of them because you like the other. Worse, ending it by saying you were talking to someone else at the same time and that the other person is they are better for you is wrong.  That person never stood a chance because of your selfishness and you consciously lead them on. Worse, if you were indecisive and couldn’t choose between the two, so you strung them along, shame on you.  (People like you shouldn’t even be considering marriage, get your shit together first!)  First of all, don’t lie about it, better yet, don’t put  yourself in that predicament by talking to two people simultaneously.  I think its not Islamically permissible, but I need to double check that.

5.  Murky waters of emailing

When is it OK and when is it not OK? I think there is a degree of relativity as to how you hand each one so take my advice as being a general guide in how you act.  If its someone you have been talking to really in depth about things, face to face meeting even, you can’t just send a one-line e-mail that its over without any explanation. That person deserves the courtesy of a explanation.  And if its at a whole different level of serious- like on verge of engagement or pretty darn close to it- you cannot send an e-mail at all – have to tell that person to their face!

6.  Don’t be a jerk

Before you decide to break things off, consider how you would have wanted someone to break things off with you.  What didn’t work, didn’t sit well with you, stung badly.  That process is called empathizing.  This might be something that the person will take personally, so that fear of a confrontation is always present.  Most of us don’t want confrontation in this process, but don’t be surprised if the person does take it personally.  To better manage that internalization and your response to it, use honesty to frame the message and reason why it wont work out.  However don’t be so honest as to be mean.  Remember to have sympathy for the other person, their expectations or perceptions might be greatly different then yours.

Syria- The Conundrum of Defining Terrorism

Posted: October 8, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, defining terrorism, Foreign Policy, freedom fighters, general assembly, liberation struggles, Politics, security council, Syria, terrorism, United Nations
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Syrian Foreign Minister Walid Moallem’s speech during the 67th session of the United Nations General Assembly at the U.N. accused some security council members- France, UK and the US- of supporting “terrorism” in the country.  The rebels fighting with the Free Syrian Army on the other hand areissuing a dire warning that as the opposition continues it has reached this point, with limited or no Western support, only by losing segments of the Syrian population to radicalization.  That in essence is a double edge sword- terrorism as currently defined and presented by the United States put our foreign policy in a sticky situation.  By supporting the Syrian rebels the US is in essence coming in conflict with its definition of terrorism, by taking a back step, Americans are loosing key future support in a region riddled with enemies and ill will, potentially radicalizing a new generation of Syrians.

In defining terrorism the United States has not been able to fully protect itself or its national interests, thereby opening itself up to accusations that the US is in essence supporting terrorism, and thereby becoming a state sponsor of terrorism.  Moallem says

“This terrorism, which is externally supported, is accompanied by unprecedented media provocation based on igniting religious extremism sponsored by well-known states in the region that facilitate the flow of arms, money and fighters through the borders of some neighbouring countries.”

The key words in that statement are its connection of “terrorism” to “religious extremism”.  The US has on the one hand tried to cast the “War on Terrorism” as not being a war on Islam, however, its actions have constantly overstepped that subtle distinction.  I can see in that Syria’s use is in essence trying to get its partners- China and Russia- to take a stronger stance against the US and its allies.  Call out our shit, sort of speaking.  The problem though is there is no consensus on the legal definition of “terrorism” internationally.

The former US Ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, criticized the UN, “The conclusion you have to draw from the record on terrorism, where the Security Council creates a committee on terrorism but can’t even agree on a definition of what terrorism is…is that its not going to be effective in those areas.”  Yet the US itself has varying definitions within the government.

The United States Code (USC) Title 22, Chapter 38 requires the Secretary of State submit a required annual report on how countries are combating terrorism, where the definition of the term terrorism means

“…premeditated, politically motivated violence perpetrated against noncombatant targets by subnational groups or clandestine agents;”

Title 18 of the USC  which deals with criminal acts and criminal procedure defines terrorism as:

“activities that . . . involve violent acts or acts dangerous to human life that… appear to be intended . . . to intimidate or coerce a civilian population; . . . to influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion; or . . . to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction, assassination, or kidnapping“

The Untied States Code of Federal Regulations (CFR) 28, Section 0.85, defines terrorism as:

 ”…the unlawful use of force and violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives”

The US Security policy defined terrorism, not excluding the actions of the US government, as ”premeditated, politically motivated violence against innocents”, only later qualifying it the definition with ”premeditated, politically motivated violence against noncombatant targets by subnational groups or clandestine agents.”

The Department of Defense defines it as “the unlawful use of violence or threat of violence to instill fear and coerce governments or societies. Terrorism is often motivated by religious, political, or other ideological beliefs and committed in the pursuit of goals that are usually political.”

And the National Counterterrorism Center defines it as ”…premeditated; perpetrated by a sub-national or clandestine agent; politically motivated, potentially including religious, philosophical, or culturally symbolic motivations; violent; and perpetrated against a noncombatant target.”

All of those definitions place the US in an awkward situation where we have to ask ourselves:  Is supporting the Free Syrian Army a form of state sponsored terrorism?

Ridiculously photogenic guy fighting with the Free Syrian Army

Unfortunately the US itself has stubbornly stood in the way of making a distinction for “legitimate struggles for national liberty and self-detrmination by people” as opposed to “general” politically motivated acts of terror.  One mans (armed) struggle for freedom is, for the US a clear  act of terrorism, for which any aid or work done in furtherance of such actions are state sponsorship of terrorism.  Which is where we find ourselves entrapped by Syrian Ambassador’s accusation laid at our doorsteps.  Will there be international prosecution? I doubt it, but given the ground developments and this conundrum, the US has to find a means to untangle itself quickly.  That I believe is a fast and speedy win by the rebels.  The continuation of the fighting on ground for another six months or more, is not going to make the situation any easier for crafting a foreign policy that doesn’t put us further at odds with our working definitions of terrorism.

On the flip side of the coin, the Free Syria Army is using America’s fear- the boogeyman sort of- of radicalization and the spread of Al Qaeda influence in the region to corner US officials to ramp up their support of the rebels.  The United States ultimate boogeyman may not work however.  Given the events in Libyan on Sept. 11, 2012 in Bengazi, the reality of radical armed extremism co-opting or strong arming weak transitionary revolutionary governments has been realized and that is the real nightmare policy makers wake up having in Washington DC.  During the US led efforts to oust Qaddafi, this was done with the real fear that those fighting Qaddafi (elements) were in fact radicalized extremists.  The US may make the calculated conclusion that its not worth the political headache to continue to support the FSA and rebels if there are radicalized elements within, that it maybe better for Assad and company wipe clean the opposition and return to the status quo.

At the end of the day the question should be, appropriately Hollywood-esque-American-way- do you want to support a guy that looks like the Syrian Foreign Minister or the R-P-G carrying an R.P.G. over his shoulder while leisurely walking down the street as bombs are exploding behind him and everyone else is running for cover?

No, thats not a Gay Festival. Its Muslim guys hanging out.

Posted: October 2, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, identity, male sexuality, Masculinity, Social
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The image above is from McLeods Dalstones Superstore’s exhibit, click on the image to see more pictures and judge for yourself. Notice the placement of hands and fingers, along with the proximity of their bodies.  It would be something that a LBGT magazine would run, but these are purely straight Turkish men, lacking their behavior. In our Western norms this sort of behavior/exhibition is extremely homosexual.

I feel that I might lack the requisite language and intellectual prowess to write about my observations of being a Muslim guy in an American Muslim experience where certain norms of male behavior seem out of sync with Western norms (majority) and from an outside perspective norms of Islamic traditions.   Part of the difficulty in writing this piece is also my own feelings of discomfort about discussing the topic so publicly, sexuality is a sensitive topic that bring out the conservative in everyone.  Writing on this issue presents a very real possibility of being labelled in certain ways internally by Muslims as well as externally by outsiders, and I abhor labels.  But I find that the topic is important and I don’t shy away from overly controversial topics, I just choose to write about them when I feel I have a grasp on how to present and discuss the ideas therein to others.

The first time I was confronted with the East-West contradiction, around expressed male sexuality, was at the age of 11, while visiting Pakistan.  I thought all the guys holding hands in public around the parks and shops of Karachi were Gay, but it turned out that wasn’t the case.  The practice of holding hands, in fact “male on male physical affection” is a ubiquitous norm in Eastern cultures, not just Pakistan.   You can understand my confusion, having been raised in America where such interactions were considered a homosexual norm, prescribing a sexual preference onto a boy/man exhibiting that behavior, made my observation disconcerting.  Further, men dressed as women would parade around the city collecting money and singing and dancing on happy occasions, such open transvestite, but later I realized it was the only cultural and socially accepted norm for Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgender’s to express themselves in society and still be part of the main social fabric.

I am not talking about sexuality in terms of “intercourse” but rather the expression of ones gender, through accepted norms encompassing behavior, male to male interaction and the idea of masculinity, what it means to be a man in society.   I would think that the Western notions of masculinity and male interaction would be the behavioral norm amongst Muslims given the strict prohibition on homosexuality, along with the attendant expression of that identity, in Islam.  But that just isn’t the case as I later experienced amongst the Muslim guys I interacted with at the Masjid, in organizations and when generally hanging out.  The Western masculine norms shift and become more flexible, without taking on the homosexuality of the identity that is so closely associated in the West to that behavior.  Thats what makes me believe that Islam, through culture, actually does offer a very flexible conception of human sexuality and/or male masculinity.  However, I fear that its not as “liberal” as LGBT activists would like.

Going back to the holding hands in public example. Elisabeth Thoburn, a humanities instructor at Washtenaw Community College, visited Pakistan in 2008, her photography  taking in everyday street scenes.  She was asked about the pictures she captured of men holding hands (here) as being a sign of open homosexuality in Pakistan.  She said that ”Men holding hands or hugging in public is an indication of a very deep friendship. Male relationships are relationships of equals, so they walk hand in hand. They wouldn’t make it through the market if they were gay.”
This cultural paradigm is supposedly explored by photo-artist Jamie McLeod in the Dalston Superstore exhibition of his black and white portraits of Turkish Wrestlers, “Ottoman Fight Club”. (See Picture above)

The pictures look a 100 years old but the oldest one was from 8 years ago.  Mcleod’s images were taken during the annual Kirkpinar tournament, held in Edirne, Turkey.  It is the oldest continuously running sporting competition in the world, held there since 1362, which makes the whole presentation even more interesting in context of this post.

McLeod explains how he observed Turkish men and boys interacting with one another, massaging and caressing and laying together while resting between their matches, using each other as living pillows.  The behavior/interaction is one that isn’t considered “homosexual” nor does it bring into question the a guys hetrosexuality.  (Maybe it might have its root in Greek/Roman culture which was known for a more liberal views on sexuality, which then was normalized through Islamic cultural norms of “brotherhood”) This type of male-male interaction is actually  not abnormal, its pretty common, seen as a form of “brotherly love” amongst Muslims (such as holding hands), as well as American Muslim guys (the double- or triple- peck on the cheek with your lips, while saying “Eid Mubarak!’- I refuse to do this, is an example of what is an acceptable norm, but there are others).  McLeod comments on how the reaction Westerners have when they see these pictures:

“When Westerners see my photos they normally ask me if this is a gay festival and I laugh and say, sadly, no. It’s amazing to think just because men can express open affection towards each other through the way we would normally express it in heterosexuality, we conclude they are homosexual of which most of them are not.”

That type of behavior is something that is common amongst American Muslim guys, albeit with certain degree of uncomfortability, therefore, far more suppressed.  My own perception of male norms arises from my American experience so the behavior, to a degree, made me uncomfortable and took longer to get used to.

For example guys slapping each other’s butts while wearing spandex pants, in the context of American Football it is completely acceptable (macho-straight) behavior, at Pride Parades and outside, not so much.  Again I believe that Muslim countries (again, Pakistan leading the way), and amongst Muslims, “sexuality” is far more complicated (giving it flexibility) then the Western conceptions (simplification for the purposes of granting legal status, therefore constricting it?) of human sexuality.

There is a need for more discussion on this issue, beyond the simplification and cultural normative answers amongst Muslims.  I believe we need a framework to better express the behavior.  Here’s a great observation in an excerpt from @UCLAThinkers post:

It is easy to judge the ‘other,’ but an inward look at American sexuality leads me to believe that, while not always discussed openly, the culture in the Middle East provides greater flexibility of sexual identity than in the West. Westerners are still battling Victorian ideals like monogamy, sexual and gender stagnancy as well as a biased and elitist approach (whether you are on the left or right) to anyone the majority does not consider properly conformed to ‘our’ ways (read Muslims, Arabs).

For example, Mexican Machismo culture and its attendant societal problems, is not limited to the Mexican community, each community carries with it its ideas of male identity, place and status.  Muslims have never had a reason to explicitly lay out masculinity and sexuality because for centuries they lived in homogeneous cultures where the norms were widely accepted and perpetuated.  But as a minority and living in a multicultural, more globalizing world we need a critical  analysis of this behavior, which is supported by scholarly discussions and academic research, potentially giving a framework to a paradigm outside of the Western construct.

Taking White Parents Advice- Bad Idea for Immigrant Kids

Posted: October 1, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, diet, fitness, Health, health and fitness, identity, lifestyle, obesity, Social
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Taking the advice of White Parents to deal with your immigrant parents is a bad idea.  Its similar to getting advice from your White friends about how to do things.  (See Russell Peters video below)  I learned real quick that while I might be living in America, there is no way that my White friends behavior will fly at home.  My parents would stamp that reality to smithereens.  The way my parents raised me was the way they were raised, and while it may be in the context of my American upbringing, they put very little effort toward utilizing the American parenting style, if anything they spent more time laughing at some of its most basic assumptions found there.  Concepts of grounding, taking away privileges, or positive reinforcement through assignment of chores and getting a weekly allowance- these gave more power to the kids in my parents eyes.  That was contrary to everything that my parents believed about of what good parenting meant.

So don’t laugh at me when I say that as an adult, my relationship with my parents is still one of that between a child-parent, to a certain degree, not completely.  While I may have inclinations to change my own parenting style when I have kids, my relationship with my parents is still governed by a respectable mix of fear-awe-severe deference to their opinion.  Thats why when I read Huffington Posts article “6 thing you shouldnt say to your adult child” I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of how my parents would respond if I presented this advice to them. Their voice could be heard retorting to each claim made by Linda Bernstein.  The following is what an amalgam of immigrant parents say, based on my observations of various friends parents, about her parenting advice for adult children.

1. Have you gained [lost] weight?

Bernstein advices that parents shouldn’t focus on their adult child’s weight no matter how glaringly obvious, instead be glad they came to visit and that parents should state how they missed them.  An immigrant mother (South Asian, Desi, Pakistani in particular) would say:

Aaaaah, they look fat. There it is, its obvious, I look at my child, I see how fat they are. Seeing is believing.  What they eat is my concern, I cooked and fed them for 20+ years, I am not going to just stop now.  If they eat like a fat person, they will get fat, that is a fact.  

If they don’t change they will not get married, because no one wants to marry a fat person.  If I don’t tell my child they are fat, who else is going to tell them, let alone encourage them to make better life choices.  Parents are meant for this, I am only fulfilling my role.  Life is not a joke and you can not just cruise by, I must act.  

They sit around and eat garbage.  They start their day by sitting in the car, they get to work and sit in front of a computer,  they go to a restaurant to sit and stuff their face for an hour so that they can return to their desk and sit some more, then go home and sit on the coach while they eat more nonsense and then they sleep.  They do this on repeat, no wonder they are getting fat.  I am the positive force that breaks a cycle, that is my role.  I am telling you, until they get married and settle down, there is no fat business.

2. What’s that on your face?

Berstein advises that parents shouldn’t point out physical blemishes like zits.  I think this one made me laugh the most.  A immigrant mother would say:

That thing on their face, its not normal.  They are adults not little kids running around in high school.  Go to a doctor, get medication.  See a specialist.  Do something!  How will they get married?  Who will want to marry my child if they look like that! (Immediately proceeds to pop the pimple or touch in some weird way all while shaking her head.)  Often times this would happen out in public not just in the privacy of your home.

3. How come you hardly ever call (or text) these days?

Berstein advises parents should have a mantra they repeat about how if the child doesn’t call today, its going to be alright.  I guess in a way White parents are trying to exude selflessness, but a immigrant mother, she’s all self.  Her response:

Its my child’s duty to call.  They are responsible to tell me what is happening in their life.  (God forbid a child tells their parent to make the call instead…)  I put food in their mouth, I put up with their crying, I lived through 9 months of carrying them, I drove them to soccer practice.  I gave and I gave, having them call me every single day at 430PM on the dot is not asking to much.  Busy, what the hell are they busy with?  They aren’t some CEO or President, they don’t have a life until they are married.  Until then they are responsible to their mother and father only.

4. It’s all for the best; [So-and-so] was a jerk anyway.

Berstein’s relationship advice is probably up their on laughable immigrant parental advice from a white parent.  She says parents should instead focus on how the child feels and let them know that they are there for them to talk, even if its not about the broken relationship.  No, you see relationships, the marriage ceremony and marriage are the ultimate point of concern for immigrant parents, especially Desi ones:

They are just being picky.  My husband and I were introduced three times maybe, what is this business of talking and getting to know each other, that happens after the marriage.  Look at our marriage, we are happy after 30+ years.  You dont see us doing what these white people do, get old and feel like its time to find someone new because of some crisis about our age.  No, the tradition is best.  They need to lower their standards and be realistic, if I dont help them how will they get married?  If I let them have their way I will be dead and they will be on their deathbeds single and alone.  All this talk about feelings, feelings wont get them married.

5. How can you live like this?

Okay, these have been funny, but I dont think I even need to write an immigrant parents response to this.  Remember going off to college, living in a dorm, how all the white kids parents dumped their stuff and then went out to eat, while you and your parents moved in the mini-fridge, the rice cooker, the 50 different sheets for the bed, ironed all your clothes, went over the laundry procedures while Dad set up the computer and got all your books and school supplies…yeh, you think immigrant parents wont have an opinion about how you live as a adult.  All I will say is that two weeks prior to my parents visiting my apartment, when I lived alone, I would start super deep cleaning and when they visited they would still spend a few hours “cleaning” things up.  Silly Bernstein, I don’t know how you survive giving all this advice.

6. What do you expect me to do?

So this one is probably the only piece of advice where there would be no disagreement between an immigrant parent and Bernstein’s advice.  So I guess there are points of similarities.

To get a sense of where I am coming from, if you can’t relate, watch comedian Russell Peters do his thing.

MSA- New Year, New Board, Same Problems

Posted: September 26, 2012 in Activism, Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, Asian American, Education, identity, Islam, leadership, Muslim Youth Leadership Program, Social, Strategy, undergraduate
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How can the board of a student organization ensure a productive year?  That was the question that developed over the coarse of a conversation I had with one of my High-School-Student-Mentees-turned-college-student-leader at his UC’s MSA (Muslim Student Association).  I honestly didn’t think I would be able to give him a proper answer to his questions given the short notice and my lack of initial interest in having the conversation late at night (and right before I went off to the gym!).

Surprisingly I woke up this morning thinking “Wow, Affad, you probably provided one of the best responses (at least, I have ever come up with, I can indulge in a little bragging) to the perpetual challenge faced by incoming boards when it comes to leadership.  The idea of leadership is wrought with all sorts of examples of GREAT leaders, and not so effective ones.  While I think that charismatic leadership offers the most return for your money, not having a central charismatic leader doesn’t mean that the organization will suffer.

The cult of personality often obscures the reality of what in essence leadership is all about- its about people, relationships and properly managing those relationships.  This is something that anyone can do if they are willing to step up to the plate.  We all recognize that bad leaders, or more appropriately, ineffective leaders are people who are divisive, marginalizing, polarizing and all sorts of uncompromising.  The word compromise itself takes on a religious tenor when put in the context of MSA’s- “No brother we don’t compromise with the Sunnah wa’Jammah.”    But what in my discussion last night I tried to emphasize the idea that many of the conflicts don’t arise because of fundamental theological issues, rather they are simple issues of leadership and work styles that give rise to problems with how people manage conflict that arises from disagreements.

The board over a period of time will internalize these mismanaged responses by exhibiting them in terms of fundamentals, overly simplistic black-and-white realities.  ”That brother is to liberal” and “That brother is to conservative” doesn’t really address the issue of “how do we function to make things work in the MSA?”  The response to this is always to play the “my way, or the highway” approach because that ensures a zero-sum reality, when in fact, such an outcome never really results in any good to anyone.

One of the best ways that a incoming board, filled with new leaders, can get ahead of the pitfalls of board dysfunction and construct the grounds for a successful year, is to have a real board retreat.  We aren’t talking about sitting around a table, saying duahs and talking for an hour only to adjourn until you come back in the Fall.  I am talking about a structured, day or weekend long, relationship building and planning session.

Since the new year is just beginning its not to late to do something constructive.  Like my conversation with MSA board member X last night, a day long retreat can be planned and executed still.  Here’s how to do it:

  1. Find someone who is willing to chair the planning, logistics and moderation of the retreat.  This person should ideally be the President or Vice President of your organization.
  2. Chair needs to come up with an agenda (more on this below), location (should be comfortable for sitting down prayers and moving around activities), logistics (get food- healthy, drinks, papers, markers, all the stuff you need).  Delegate where appropriate.
  3. Agenda- this should be thoughtfully constructed to make the most out of the time your spending together.
  4. Execute the retreat.
  5. Follow up with folks individually and ask if it was productive, what can change, what worked really well.  Make adjustments, leave for next years incoming board to repeat.

Agenda-

This is the most important part of your whole retreat.   It needs to be designed with care and insight into whats the purpose behind everything you do.  My conversation last night worked out a really nice program that can be replicated, with modifications for your particular organizational needs.

  1. Early Bird catches the warm- so start the day early.  Because folks are groggy provide coffee, but have ice breakers that involve activity.  My favorite is “Big Watermelon”- its silly, stupid and just plain funny.  But when people get involved with it, it will lower the level of anxiety and guard folks have so that the rest of the day is productive.  If you feel the folks aren’t going to want to start off doing something like that but you need something that will help build closer bonds and deepen the relationship of folks beyond “knowing people” then there is the “Toilet Paper” game or the “Name Your Name” game.  Both are great to get past the “His name is Mohammad and he’s from Fresno” relationship.
  2. Lay the Ground Rules- in order for your board to function  you need ground rules, these rules aren’t just for this retreat, they should be for the following year.  This means whenever the board meet, these rules are displayed and people religiously observe them.  This sets the tone not only for what it takes to participate in the retreat, but through out the year.  These rules should be simple, they should be focused and you shouldn’t have a crap load of them.  This is a social contract that you’re coming up with, social contracts should be straight forward like “honesty is the best policy” or “Do unto others what you want others to do unto you” (or better yet- the Golden Rule).
  3. Follow this up with another ice breaker, maybe here is a good opportunity to do Big Watermelon, after serious business like the ground rules a silly game is just the right prescription to move on.
  4. Focus on Leadership, this is the place where you can understand what other people know about leadership, but more importantly, how each person on your board reacts and carry’s out their functions.  My suggestion is don’t lecture, rather create workshops that are interactive, you want to continue to build bonds and deepen board members relationship with one another, create trust, nurture open lines of communications. The retreat is the way to jump over the “trial by fire” process because it puts people in a situation where they have to start functioning as a cohesive group outside the rigors of the actual year.  When it comes leadership workshop, here’s what I suggested last night
  • Do a group activity where each person posts 2-3 leadership qualities on the board.  Each person should/can talk about why this is important to them.  If you want the group can list the top 5 important qualities, which would help do the next activity.
  • The group then should discuss an example from the Prophetic Seerah that exemplifies the qualities.  Each person should be involved in discussing this.
  • The leadership portion should be divided by Zuhr prayer.
  • Lunch, it should be time for mingling or you can do a lunch oriented activity to continue to build the bonds of brotherhood/sisterhood.
  • When you reconvene, or do this during a working lunch if time is short, people should write down their thoughts on what leadership is after the conversation that took place on the topic.  Also they should list their leadership strengths and weaknesses. That last part is really important.
  • The President at this point needs to start the session by talking about leadership (“the lecture”).  Here it is important to lay out how the President functions.  For example if it was me, I would say look emails and phone calls are great, but text messages are much more efficient for me.  Stuff like that is what will help the functionality of the group.
  • Do a talk back session where everybody shares their leadership style.
  • Have a group activity that address how the group will respond to challenges.  Your MSA might have dealt with similar challenges in the past, choose those, rework them and present scenarios and talk through how the board will address the issues.  Who does what?  What worked in the past?  What should have been done?  Its important to work through nightmare scenarios, I wont list out the why here.
  1. The final session, after Asr prayers, should be around the idea of upcoming year.  Talk out goals, set metrics.  Each board member should set one thing they wish to build upon from past years, or pioneer, during their tenure in office.  You should end it by Maghrib, afterwards go out and have dinner to celebrate making it through a difficult day, but also because you have an exciting year up ahead!

Things to look out for:

  1. Make sure everyone participates.  People should recognize that they need to “Step back AND step up”- especially when talking about leadership, everyone should be participating and those that are more aggressive in their participation need to allow and encourage others to participate.
  2. While this will seem liberal of me, there has to be mixed gender interaction.  Your board consists of guys and girls, no matter where their Islamic comfortability level is at, they need to be able to interact with the opposite gender.  They can establish boundaries during the coarse of the retreat, but that shouldn’t be used as an excuse to not participate or to segregate the process.  I can’t emphasize this enough, to make the organization cohesive, the board has to be able to work together comfortably.  That does not give license for “kicking it” but it also means that the guys and girls should be divided by a “virtual purdah”.
  3. The President should pay close attention to potential conflict areas, between people, perspectives, ways of doing things.  This will be critical because it will help to manage them moving forward.
  4. The atmosphere needs to be professional, but not stuffy.  This is important fine line, but to much joking around will result in a process that isn’t genuine.  To much seriousness will give you a group of people that suppressed their thoughts and inhibited constructive idea’s and perspectives.  The moderator needs to play a strong role to maintain a balance, but other key allies should step up to the plate and help guide the process along the fine line.
  5. Be cognizant that people are coming from a diverse background.  The job of the MSA board isn’t just to have a successful year, your Amana is also to develop strong leaders.  You are only as strong as the weakest leader you have on your board.  Help strengthen that person over the year, you will greatly strengthen the Muslim community by producing a top notch leader.

 

The First Knight of Ramadan- Happy to be part of the nerdfest

Posted: July 24, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, Islam, Justice, laughter, Public Relations, Ramadan, Social, Social Media
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Ramadan Day 3- Finding Mercy Within Us, Embodying Rahma

Posted: July 22, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, al ghazzali, American Muslim, Education, Health, Islam, Justice, Ramadan, Social
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Image from link, however, I don’t endorse anything there because I haven’t read the site nor am I familiar with it.

To begin to understand Allah’s Rahma I explored the God’s attribute and the fact that as Muslims we are constantly invoking God’s mercy in our daily actions countless times.  Its quite amazing to consider how often it is we seek His mercy, yet, we don’t truly understand or comprehend the extent of it, so I thought it would be good to give a Hadith from  Al Nawawi #37 that discusses Allah’s Compassion:

On the authority of Ibn’ Abbas (RA), from the Prophet SAW relating a saying that is related to hi s Lord (SWT) is that he said:

“Allah has written down the good deeds and the bad ones.  Then He explained it by saying that he who has intended a  deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as from ten good deeds, or many times over.  But if he has intended a bad deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down as one bad deed.”

I find it easy to really get caught up in Deed Crunching- get into the whole how many deeds add up to along with subtraction, I don’t think that Allah intended us to fully comprehend the system but rather presented the concept in a way that would allow us to comprehend His mercy.  Clearly, what is striking is that even if you intended a bad deed but refrained from acting on it, that counts as a good deed- Crazy right?  That truly is the extend of God’s Mercy and Compassion toward us.

In order to live up to this standard we are told, through the Prophet SAW’s example how to be compassionate and merciful.  For instance we know that we give the benefit of doubt to people and suppress our suspicion or bad expectations of their intentions; we are told that we are not the judge of intentions, but rather God is; we are reminded again and again about holding our tongues (since some of the most un-merciful and un-compassionate actions are spoken); we have a limit to how long we can be upset and angry at another person- 3 days, at which point we must forgive them for their transgression; on top of that we are told that on the Day of Judgement, those we have transgressed again and who have not forgiven us are due justice for our injustice against them.  The list goes on about how one’s self (ego or in Arabic nafs) can be brought in line with the Divine manifestation of Rahma.

People might find that this involves work, hard work, or that such a state is unachievable. If you have such a defeatist mentality then you could never achieve this state, but if you try, you might surprise yourself.  I believe that if there were a self help book on attitude and actions- our MODERN understanding of psychology and human interaction- then the Prophetic example is truly better suited to be utilized because it stems from the Creator who knows us far better then we will ever be able to understand ourself.  That is why I believe that we have the ability to find the Mercy within us and that we can embody Rahma.

You can get your read on, just go to RD4–-

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