Archive for the ‘identity’ Category

Muslim Men in Mini Skirts, Heels and Beards…. #LikeNever

Posted: March 13, 2013 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, History, identity, Islam, male sexuality, Masculinity, Masjid, Sharia, Social
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Check out them pointy heeled shoes! (and the socks, those became a aristocratic fashion symbol too!)

Check out them pointy heeled shoes! (and the socks, those became a aristocratic fashion symbol too!)

Fashion is all about leaning forward.  Designers do their thing by pushing the limits and this post is almost a stream of conscience reaction to men’s fashion because I highly doubt one day we will have practicing Muslim males showing up at masjids wearing mini skirts and high heels and the while sporting burly beards.

Did you think high heels were only a women thing?  If so you are completely wrong!  In fact, thanks to Persian (Muslim Safavid) fashion, heels made their way into European court (Shah Abbas’s diplomatic missions to Germany, Russia and Spain).  Soon enough, heels were all the rage amongst the aristocrats from Vienna to Westminster (until Napoleon banned them, I wonder what complex he had against them since it would only have helped him!).  What Persians had worn out of necessity, the heels helped them control their stately steeds in battle, were soon to be regulated into the world of women’s high end fashion, Jimmy Choo’s, anyone?

But the current trend in fashion for androgynous fashion- the mixing of masculine and feminine characteristics (think Prince, Marilyn Manson, Annie Lennox, Boy George, Steven Tyler…).  Basically its the ideal of either having no gender value, or having some aspects generally attributed to the opposite sex.  I would say would be the idea that in Europe little boys could not wear pants during the Victorian era because those garments were the exclusive dress of grown men.  So women wearing pants during that time was unthinkable (interestingly enough Paris just took off the ban on women wearing pants but the Hijab is not permitted!).

Well bringing back the blog to relevancy, I was perusing through Pinterest’s collection of Men’s Fashion pins and came across the JW Anderson collection, I was immediately reminded of the many men’s fashion restrictions placed by the Prophet.  JW Anderson has created the perfect line of boy’s dressed in mini skirts and I cringe at the thought that his design might influence other men’s designers to follow suit, happily though, this whole thing is a blurb that history will allow us to laugh at, or maybe not… Judge for yourself:

J.W.-Anderson-boys in dresses sipping tea

So besides this being the bane of fashion and totally a FML moment, I wondered what the Prophet had to say about this, because he had a lot to say about men’s fashion and not just about women’s fashion (i.e. the Hijab) yet we barely hear about that in our culture wars.  For instance in one Hadith the men who shave their beards were seen to be to be outside the realm of mercy from Allah (as Reported by Ibn Abbas (R.A.) in Tibrabi).  (Apparently beards also keep you healthy, go figure!)

In one variant, “The Messenger of Allah cursed men who made themselves look like women and women who made themselves look like men.” [al-Bukhari]

Also:

Abu Hurayra said, “The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, cursed any man who wears women’s clothes and any woman who wears men’s clothes.” [Abu Dawud]

...if heels aren't your thing, then try this pair of mary jane shoes!

…if heels aren’t your thing, then try this pair of mary jane shoes!

The whole thing is just fascinating to me because it seems to me the projection of societal norms is leaning towards this androgynous fashion.  Pop culture is thriving on this norm, within the fashion industry this style of gender neutral clothing has been raising itself in one form or another since the 1990′s.  The acceptance of skinny jeans, and even women’s jeans worn by teenagers (sometime rock stars) is increasingly becoming acceptable.

I do then wonder how Islam will cope with this trend.  Women wearing jeans, at least in the West, is now a settled fashion question.  Though from what I understand girls can’t wear trouser type things during prayer therefore they will don long flowly garbs.

Clearly cross dressing by men is prohibited in Islam but what about androgynous or “genderless” dress, or transgenders in general in Islam?

(Curiously enough is there a “necessity clause” for instance in the case of Mualana Abdul Aziz of Lal Masjid standoff fame, who was caught trying to escape arrest while wearing a burka?)

In my search for this I ran across this article on Transgenderism and Islam, where I found a translation of renowned Hadith scholar An-Nawawi.

I unfortunately can’t share due to copyright restrictions.  which makes me hate JSTOR, may God rest Aaron Swartz soul and allow his mission be accomplished!

But the what I can share I am pulling from Wikipedia just to avoid any sanctions or what have you:

“A mukhannath is the one (“male”) who carries in his movements, in his appearance and in his language the characteristics of a woman. There are two types; the first is the one in whom these characteristics are innate, he did not put them on by himself, and therein is no guilt, no blame and no shame, as long as he does not perform any (illicit) act or exploit it for money (prostitution etc.). The second type acts like a woman out of immoral purposes and he is the sinner and blameworthy.”

While the whole thing requires more reading on my part, I will leave you with this.  In the same country as the Burka Wearing Mullah, the Pakistani Supreme Court ruled that the government must take proactive steps to protect transsexuals from harassment and discrimination, although no legislation in the area of gender identity exists.  Pakistan officially protects ‘Third gender’ discrimination back in 2010.  Which is not to say that the actual protection occurs, but if you ever visit Pakistan, its totally an open secret that no one officially wants to recognize.

The last thing to remaining untouched in this post on fashion is the elephant that never leaves the room- Hijab- and well, on that account I will borrow the Nobel Peace Prize Tawakkul Karman, the mother of Yemen’s revolution, response to a question by a journalist on how the hijab is not proportionate with her level of education and intellect:

“Man in early times was almost naked, and as his intellect evolved he started wearing clothes. What I am today and what I’m wearing represents the highest level of thought and civilization that man has achieved, and is not regressive. It’s the removal of clothes again that is a regression back to the ancient times.”

Reason Enough to Get A Tattoo(s)

Posted: February 2, 2013 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, identity, Islam, Masculinity
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Tattoo’s are haraam in Islam.  Haraam being that the act is strictly forbidden.  It will lead you to hell, but it isn’t necessarily your ticket to hell, for that there really is the ONE unforgivable Sin.  The Sin of Sins that you can’t repent from, and getting a tattoo is not one of those.  If you happen to be Shia Muslim, tattoo’s are not haraam for you then.  But as a Sunni, of Hanafi school of thought, a tattoo just is out of the question.  Unless of coarse you find yourself a “Halal Tattoo” Parlor (see below) then its significantly less haraam, maybe, but don’t take my fatwa for it baby.

 

 

 

 

 

halal tattoo

Coming to Terms with 30

Posted: December 11, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, facebook, Health, identity, Islam, Social Media
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serenityMaybe the crisis one feels at turning 30 is really rooted in the intense attachment to this worldly life and a lack of connection to the spiritual life.  At least that is the lesson I am beginning to piece together since my last post on the fear of turning thirty.  I thought I share my reflection since, 30, is just a month away.

One of the things I undertook immediately after posting those fears to the broader world was I stopped hanging around people my age.  There are lots of things that motivated me to that.  First, I felt anxiety from seeing where they stood in life as opposed to me.  Worse, the greater connectivity I had with folks in my peer group through social media drove home this internal self doubt about where I was in life and questioning whether I had done the right thing with my life.  Second, the younger friends only drove that home toward a bitterness because it seemed they were far younger then I was and were following some path that I had not read the guideposts about.  Finally, I realized that my decisions were a product of my choosing, my circumstances and my life experience and therefore they were unique.  I couldn’t, shouldn’t, compare the path that I took because it was a path not trodden by my peers, it was one that I was pioneering for others.

By hanging out with folks older then me they enabled me to put aside my fears of getting older.  I saw folks still struggling with the same things I am struggling with, who were ten, fifteen and even twenty years older then me.  Unemployment, start up businesses, academic endeavors, failing marriages and new relationships along with opportunities that they had not imagined.  I guess in a way I am significantly different from my peers because for me the “party” scene was intense and short lived, but the expectations of life and enduring to find some meaning in it isn’t something that fades away, it sticks around and people continue to deal with it at different levels and intervals in their life.

What I came to realize in my push to spend more time with older friends, mentors and seek out grandparent figures was that being able to understand growing old requires understanding our mortality.  In understanding mortality we need to grapple with death, because in essence our anxiety about aging is rooted in the sense of one’s own progression toward death.  Which for Muslims I find is a silly thing to fear given our very direct involvement with death- forced participation in funeral prayers, the handling and washing of the dead, the burying process is a communal one where the males carry the body and everyone is required to carry and pray for the deceased.

But its not that Muslims are immune to a disconnect from death, its that our culture (American) creates a static around our mortality by presenting it as something far off in distance even if we are engaged in the rituals around death.  So to make life meaningful, thereby lessening the anxiety I felt, I had to make death a greater reality or factor in my life not one of ritual.  I quickly told myself that a near death experience was not the way to learn this lesson.

What I conclude from my experience is that the path of spirituality, greater sense of oneness with creation and therefore God, allows that understanding of death to become relevant and not some far off experience.  When we become connected to God we loosen that strong connection to the worldly life and allow for us to transcend things like vanity (oh, look how I am looking), vitality (I can’t run like a 18 year old), feeling of dissertation (I am alone in this world), and accomplishment (I didn’t buy that house or save this much) connecting with the the afterlife, not just this mortal life.

Check out Dr. Zingbarg’s article “Sacred Anxiety: Anxiety as an emblem of Spirituality” in Psychology Today, where he discusses the possibility that a persons anxiety might be due to one’s spirituality or lack thereof.  For the meditation inclined, I stumbled on this Islamic Meditation website, you have to pay to get the six week course material, but I thought I share because of its quirkiness.

No, thats not a Gay Festival. Its Muslim guys hanging out.

Posted: October 2, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, identity, male sexuality, Masculinity, Social
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The image above is from McLeods Dalstones Superstore’s exhibit, click on the image to see more pictures and judge for yourself. Notice the placement of hands and fingers, along with the proximity of their bodies.  It would be something that a LBGT magazine would run, but these are purely straight Turkish men, lacking their behavior. In our Western norms this sort of behavior/exhibition is extremely homosexual.

I feel that I might lack the requisite language and intellectual prowess to write about my observations of being a Muslim guy in an American Muslim experience where certain norms of male behavior seem out of sync with Western norms (majority) and from an outside perspective norms of Islamic traditions.   Part of the difficulty in writing this piece is also my own feelings of discomfort about discussing the topic so publicly, sexuality is a sensitive topic that bring out the conservative in everyone.  Writing on this issue presents a very real possibility of being labelled in certain ways internally by Muslims as well as externally by outsiders, and I abhor labels.  But I find that the topic is important and I don’t shy away from overly controversial topics, I just choose to write about them when I feel I have a grasp on how to present and discuss the ideas therein to others.

The first time I was confronted with the East-West contradiction, around expressed male sexuality, was at the age of 11, while visiting Pakistan.  I thought all the guys holding hands in public around the parks and shops of Karachi were Gay, but it turned out that wasn’t the case.  The practice of holding hands, in fact “male on male physical affection” is a ubiquitous norm in Eastern cultures, not just Pakistan.   You can understand my confusion, having been raised in America where such interactions were considered a homosexual norm, prescribing a sexual preference onto a boy/man exhibiting that behavior, made my observation disconcerting.  Further, men dressed as women would parade around the city collecting money and singing and dancing on happy occasions, such open transvestite, but later I realized it was the only cultural and socially accepted norm for Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgender’s to express themselves in society and still be part of the main social fabric.

I am not talking about sexuality in terms of “intercourse” but rather the expression of ones gender, through accepted norms encompassing behavior, male to male interaction and the idea of masculinity, what it means to be a man in society.   I would think that the Western notions of masculinity and male interaction would be the behavioral norm amongst Muslims given the strict prohibition on homosexuality, along with the attendant expression of that identity, in Islam.  But that just isn’t the case as I later experienced amongst the Muslim guys I interacted with at the Masjid, in organizations and when generally hanging out.  The Western masculine norms shift and become more flexible, without taking on the homosexuality of the identity that is so closely associated in the West to that behavior.  Thats what makes me believe that Islam, through culture, actually does offer a very flexible conception of human sexuality and/or male masculinity.  However, I fear that its not as “liberal” as LGBT activists would like.

Going back to the holding hands in public example. Elisabeth Thoburn, a humanities instructor at Washtenaw Community College, visited Pakistan in 2008, her photography  taking in everyday street scenes.  She was asked about the pictures she captured of men holding hands (here) as being a sign of open homosexuality in Pakistan.  She said that ”Men holding hands or hugging in public is an indication of a very deep friendship. Male relationships are relationships of equals, so they walk hand in hand. They wouldn’t make it through the market if they were gay.”
This cultural paradigm is supposedly explored by photo-artist Jamie McLeod in the Dalston Superstore exhibition of his black and white portraits of Turkish Wrestlers, “Ottoman Fight Club”. (See Picture above)

The pictures look a 100 years old but the oldest one was from 8 years ago.  Mcleod’s images were taken during the annual Kirkpinar tournament, held in Edirne, Turkey.  It is the oldest continuously running sporting competition in the world, held there since 1362, which makes the whole presentation even more interesting in context of this post.

McLeod explains how he observed Turkish men and boys interacting with one another, massaging and caressing and laying together while resting between their matches, using each other as living pillows.  The behavior/interaction is one that isn’t considered “homosexual” nor does it bring into question the a guys hetrosexuality.  (Maybe it might have its root in Greek/Roman culture which was known for a more liberal views on sexuality, which then was normalized through Islamic cultural norms of “brotherhood”) This type of male-male interaction is actually  not abnormal, its pretty common, seen as a form of “brotherly love” amongst Muslims (such as holding hands), as well as American Muslim guys (the double- or triple- peck on the cheek with your lips, while saying “Eid Mubarak!’- I refuse to do this, is an example of what is an acceptable norm, but there are others).  McLeod comments on how the reaction Westerners have when they see these pictures:

“When Westerners see my photos they normally ask me if this is a gay festival and I laugh and say, sadly, no. It’s amazing to think just because men can express open affection towards each other through the way we would normally express it in heterosexuality, we conclude they are homosexual of which most of them are not.”

That type of behavior is something that is common amongst American Muslim guys, albeit with certain degree of uncomfortability, therefore, far more suppressed.  My own perception of male norms arises from my American experience so the behavior, to a degree, made me uncomfortable and took longer to get used to.

For example guys slapping each other’s butts while wearing spandex pants, in the context of American Football it is completely acceptable (macho-straight) behavior, at Pride Parades and outside, not so much.  Again I believe that Muslim countries (again, Pakistan leading the way), and amongst Muslims, “sexuality” is far more complicated (giving it flexibility) then the Western conceptions (simplification for the purposes of granting legal status, therefore constricting it?) of human sexuality.

There is a need for more discussion on this issue, beyond the simplification and cultural normative answers amongst Muslims.  I believe we need a framework to better express the behavior.  Here’s a great observation in an excerpt from @UCLAThinkers post:

It is easy to judge the ‘other,’ but an inward look at American sexuality leads me to believe that, while not always discussed openly, the culture in the Middle East provides greater flexibility of sexual identity than in the West. Westerners are still battling Victorian ideals like monogamy, sexual and gender stagnancy as well as a biased and elitist approach (whether you are on the left or right) to anyone the majority does not consider properly conformed to ‘our’ ways (read Muslims, Arabs).

For example, Mexican Machismo culture and its attendant societal problems, is not limited to the Mexican community, each community carries with it its ideas of male identity, place and status.  Muslims have never had a reason to explicitly lay out masculinity and sexuality because for centuries they lived in homogeneous cultures where the norms were widely accepted and perpetuated.  But as a minority and living in a multicultural, more globalizing world we need a critical  analysis of this behavior, which is supported by scholarly discussions and academic research, potentially giving a framework to a paradigm outside of the Western construct.

Taking White Parents Advice- Bad Idea for Immigrant Kids

Posted: October 1, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, diet, fitness, Health, health and fitness, identity, lifestyle, obesity, Social
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Taking the advice of White Parents to deal with your immigrant parents is a bad idea.  Its similar to getting advice from your White friends about how to do things.  (See Russell Peters video below)  I learned real quick that while I might be living in America, there is no way that my White friends behavior will fly at home.  My parents would stamp that reality to smithereens.  The way my parents raised me was the way they were raised, and while it may be in the context of my American upbringing, they put very little effort toward utilizing the American parenting style, if anything they spent more time laughing at some of its most basic assumptions found there.  Concepts of grounding, taking away privileges, or positive reinforcement through assignment of chores and getting a weekly allowance- these gave more power to the kids in my parents eyes.  That was contrary to everything that my parents believed about of what good parenting meant.

So don’t laugh at me when I say that as an adult, my relationship with my parents is still one of that between a child-parent, to a certain degree, not completely.  While I may have inclinations to change my own parenting style when I have kids, my relationship with my parents is still governed by a respectable mix of fear-awe-severe deference to their opinion.  Thats why when I read Huffington Posts article “6 thing you shouldnt say to your adult child” I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea of how my parents would respond if I presented this advice to them. Their voice could be heard retorting to each claim made by Linda Bernstein.  The following is what an amalgam of immigrant parents say, based on my observations of various friends parents, about her parenting advice for adult children.

1. Have you gained [lost] weight?

Bernstein advices that parents shouldn’t focus on their adult child’s weight no matter how glaringly obvious, instead be glad they came to visit and that parents should state how they missed them.  An immigrant mother (South Asian, Desi, Pakistani in particular) would say:

Aaaaah, they look fat. There it is, its obvious, I look at my child, I see how fat they are. Seeing is believing.  What they eat is my concern, I cooked and fed them for 20+ years, I am not going to just stop now.  If they eat like a fat person, they will get fat, that is a fact.  

If they don’t change they will not get married, because no one wants to marry a fat person.  If I don’t tell my child they are fat, who else is going to tell them, let alone encourage them to make better life choices.  Parents are meant for this, I am only fulfilling my role.  Life is not a joke and you can not just cruise by, I must act.  

They sit around and eat garbage.  They start their day by sitting in the car, they get to work and sit in front of a computer,  they go to a restaurant to sit and stuff their face for an hour so that they can return to their desk and sit some more, then go home and sit on the coach while they eat more nonsense and then they sleep.  They do this on repeat, no wonder they are getting fat.  I am the positive force that breaks a cycle, that is my role.  I am telling you, until they get married and settle down, there is no fat business.

2. What’s that on your face?

Berstein advises that parents shouldn’t point out physical blemishes like zits.  I think this one made me laugh the most.  A immigrant mother would say:

That thing on their face, its not normal.  They are adults not little kids running around in high school.  Go to a doctor, get medication.  See a specialist.  Do something!  How will they get married?  Who will want to marry my child if they look like that! (Immediately proceeds to pop the pimple or touch in some weird way all while shaking her head.)  Often times this would happen out in public not just in the privacy of your home.

3. How come you hardly ever call (or text) these days?

Berstein advises parents should have a mantra they repeat about how if the child doesn’t call today, its going to be alright.  I guess in a way White parents are trying to exude selflessness, but a immigrant mother, she’s all self.  Her response:

Its my child’s duty to call.  They are responsible to tell me what is happening in their life.  (God forbid a child tells their parent to make the call instead…)  I put food in their mouth, I put up with their crying, I lived through 9 months of carrying them, I drove them to soccer practice.  I gave and I gave, having them call me every single day at 430PM on the dot is not asking to much.  Busy, what the hell are they busy with?  They aren’t some CEO or President, they don’t have a life until they are married.  Until then they are responsible to their mother and father only.

4. It’s all for the best; [So-and-so] was a jerk anyway.

Berstein’s relationship advice is probably up their on laughable immigrant parental advice from a white parent.  She says parents should instead focus on how the child feels and let them know that they are there for them to talk, even if its not about the broken relationship.  No, you see relationships, the marriage ceremony and marriage are the ultimate point of concern for immigrant parents, especially Desi ones:

They are just being picky.  My husband and I were introduced three times maybe, what is this business of talking and getting to know each other, that happens after the marriage.  Look at our marriage, we are happy after 30+ years.  You dont see us doing what these white people do, get old and feel like its time to find someone new because of some crisis about our age.  No, the tradition is best.  They need to lower their standards and be realistic, if I dont help them how will they get married?  If I let them have their way I will be dead and they will be on their deathbeds single and alone.  All this talk about feelings, feelings wont get them married.

5. How can you live like this?

Okay, these have been funny, but I dont think I even need to write an immigrant parents response to this.  Remember going off to college, living in a dorm, how all the white kids parents dumped their stuff and then went out to eat, while you and your parents moved in the mini-fridge, the rice cooker, the 50 different sheets for the bed, ironed all your clothes, went over the laundry procedures while Dad set up the computer and got all your books and school supplies…yeh, you think immigrant parents wont have an opinion about how you live as a adult.  All I will say is that two weeks prior to my parents visiting my apartment, when I lived alone, I would start super deep cleaning and when they visited they would still spend a few hours “cleaning” things up.  Silly Bernstein, I don’t know how you survive giving all this advice.

6. What do you expect me to do?

So this one is probably the only piece of advice where there would be no disagreement between an immigrant parent and Bernstein’s advice.  So I guess there are points of similarities.

To get a sense of where I am coming from, if you can’t relate, watch comedian Russell Peters do his thing.

MSA- New Year, New Board, Same Problems

Posted: September 26, 2012 in Activism, Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, Asian American, Education, identity, Islam, leadership, Muslim Youth Leadership Program, Social, Strategy, undergraduate
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How can the board of a student organization ensure a productive year?  That was the question that developed over the coarse of a conversation I had with one of my High-School-Student-Mentees-turned-college-student-leader at his UC’s MSA (Muslim Student Association).  I honestly didn’t think I would be able to give him a proper answer to his questions given the short notice and my lack of initial interest in having the conversation late at night (and right before I went off to the gym!).

Surprisingly I woke up this morning thinking “Wow, Affad, you probably provided one of the best responses (at least, I have ever come up with, I can indulge in a little bragging) to the perpetual challenge faced by incoming boards when it comes to leadership.  The idea of leadership is wrought with all sorts of examples of GREAT leaders, and not so effective ones.  While I think that charismatic leadership offers the most return for your money, not having a central charismatic leader doesn’t mean that the organization will suffer.

The cult of personality often obscures the reality of what in essence leadership is all about- its about people, relationships and properly managing those relationships.  This is something that anyone can do if they are willing to step up to the plate.  We all recognize that bad leaders, or more appropriately, ineffective leaders are people who are divisive, marginalizing, polarizing and all sorts of uncompromising.  The word compromise itself takes on a religious tenor when put in the context of MSA’s- “No brother we don’t compromise with the Sunnah wa’Jammah.”    But what in my discussion last night I tried to emphasize the idea that many of the conflicts don’t arise because of fundamental theological issues, rather they are simple issues of leadership and work styles that give rise to problems with how people manage conflict that arises from disagreements.

The board over a period of time will internalize these mismanaged responses by exhibiting them in terms of fundamentals, overly simplistic black-and-white realities.  ”That brother is to liberal” and “That brother is to conservative” doesn’t really address the issue of “how do we function to make things work in the MSA?”  The response to this is always to play the “my way, or the highway” approach because that ensures a zero-sum reality, when in fact, such an outcome never really results in any good to anyone.

One of the best ways that a incoming board, filled with new leaders, can get ahead of the pitfalls of board dysfunction and construct the grounds for a successful year, is to have a real board retreat.  We aren’t talking about sitting around a table, saying duahs and talking for an hour only to adjourn until you come back in the Fall.  I am talking about a structured, day or weekend long, relationship building and planning session.

Since the new year is just beginning its not to late to do something constructive.  Like my conversation with MSA board member X last night, a day long retreat can be planned and executed still.  Here’s how to do it:

  1. Find someone who is willing to chair the planning, logistics and moderation of the retreat.  This person should ideally be the President or Vice President of your organization.
  2. Chair needs to come up with an agenda (more on this below), location (should be comfortable for sitting down prayers and moving around activities), logistics (get food- healthy, drinks, papers, markers, all the stuff you need).  Delegate where appropriate.
  3. Agenda- this should be thoughtfully constructed to make the most out of the time your spending together.
  4. Execute the retreat.
  5. Follow up with folks individually and ask if it was productive, what can change, what worked really well.  Make adjustments, leave for next years incoming board to repeat.

Agenda-

This is the most important part of your whole retreat.   It needs to be designed with care and insight into whats the purpose behind everything you do.  My conversation last night worked out a really nice program that can be replicated, with modifications for your particular organizational needs.

  1. Early Bird catches the warm- so start the day early.  Because folks are groggy provide coffee, but have ice breakers that involve activity.  My favorite is “Big Watermelon”- its silly, stupid and just plain funny.  But when people get involved with it, it will lower the level of anxiety and guard folks have so that the rest of the day is productive.  If you feel the folks aren’t going to want to start off doing something like that but you need something that will help build closer bonds and deepen the relationship of folks beyond “knowing people” then there is the “Toilet Paper” game or the “Name Your Name” game.  Both are great to get past the “His name is Mohammad and he’s from Fresno” relationship.
  2. Lay the Ground Rules- in order for your board to function  you need ground rules, these rules aren’t just for this retreat, they should be for the following year.  This means whenever the board meet, these rules are displayed and people religiously observe them.  This sets the tone not only for what it takes to participate in the retreat, but through out the year.  These rules should be simple, they should be focused and you shouldn’t have a crap load of them.  This is a social contract that you’re coming up with, social contracts should be straight forward like “honesty is the best policy” or “Do unto others what you want others to do unto you” (or better yet- the Golden Rule).
  3. Follow this up with another ice breaker, maybe here is a good opportunity to do Big Watermelon, after serious business like the ground rules a silly game is just the right prescription to move on.
  4. Focus on Leadership, this is the place where you can understand what other people know about leadership, but more importantly, how each person on your board reacts and carry’s out their functions.  My suggestion is don’t lecture, rather create workshops that are interactive, you want to continue to build bonds and deepen board members relationship with one another, create trust, nurture open lines of communications. The retreat is the way to jump over the “trial by fire” process because it puts people in a situation where they have to start functioning as a cohesive group outside the rigors of the actual year.  When it comes leadership workshop, here’s what I suggested last night
  • Do a group activity where each person posts 2-3 leadership qualities on the board.  Each person should/can talk about why this is important to them.  If you want the group can list the top 5 important qualities, which would help do the next activity.
  • The group then should discuss an example from the Prophetic Seerah that exemplifies the qualities.  Each person should be involved in discussing this.
  • The leadership portion should be divided by Zuhr prayer.
  • Lunch, it should be time for mingling or you can do a lunch oriented activity to continue to build the bonds of brotherhood/sisterhood.
  • When you reconvene, or do this during a working lunch if time is short, people should write down their thoughts on what leadership is after the conversation that took place on the topic.  Also they should list their leadership strengths and weaknesses. That last part is really important.
  • The President at this point needs to start the session by talking about leadership (“the lecture”).  Here it is important to lay out how the President functions.  For example if it was me, I would say look emails and phone calls are great, but text messages are much more efficient for me.  Stuff like that is what will help the functionality of the group.
  • Do a talk back session where everybody shares their leadership style.
  • Have a group activity that address how the group will respond to challenges.  Your MSA might have dealt with similar challenges in the past, choose those, rework them and present scenarios and talk through how the board will address the issues.  Who does what?  What worked in the past?  What should have been done?  Its important to work through nightmare scenarios, I wont list out the why here.
  1. The final session, after Asr prayers, should be around the idea of upcoming year.  Talk out goals, set metrics.  Each board member should set one thing they wish to build upon from past years, or pioneer, during their tenure in office.  You should end it by Maghrib, afterwards go out and have dinner to celebrate making it through a difficult day, but also because you have an exciting year up ahead!

Things to look out for:

  1. Make sure everyone participates.  People should recognize that they need to “Step back AND step up”- especially when talking about leadership, everyone should be participating and those that are more aggressive in their participation need to allow and encourage others to participate.
  2. While this will seem liberal of me, there has to be mixed gender interaction.  Your board consists of guys and girls, no matter where their Islamic comfortability level is at, they need to be able to interact with the opposite gender.  They can establish boundaries during the coarse of the retreat, but that shouldn’t be used as an excuse to not participate or to segregate the process.  I can’t emphasize this enough, to make the organization cohesive, the board has to be able to work together comfortably.  That does not give license for “kicking it” but it also means that the guys and girls should be divided by a “virtual purdah”.
  3. The President should pay close attention to potential conflict areas, between people, perspectives, ways of doing things.  This will be critical because it will help to manage them moving forward.
  4. The atmosphere needs to be professional, but not stuffy.  This is important fine line, but to much joking around will result in a process that isn’t genuine.  To much seriousness will give you a group of people that suppressed their thoughts and inhibited constructive idea’s and perspectives.  The moderator needs to play a strong role to maintain a balance, but other key allies should step up to the plate and help guide the process along the fine line.
  5. Be cognizant that people are coming from a diverse background.  The job of the MSA board isn’t just to have a successful year, your Amana is also to develop strong leaders.  You are only as strong as the weakest leader you have on your board.  Help strengthen that person over the year, you will greatly strengthen the Muslim community by producing a top notch leader.

 

5 Things Muslim Girls Should Know When Using an Online Marriage Service

Posted: September 24, 2012 in Affad Shaikh, American Muslim, identity
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When you hang out with single people, and happen to be single, the conversation usually comes around to the “marriage process”.  Over time I started to notice a trend of things guys complained about while using online services like www.halfourdeen.com or even www.eharmony.com – the last friend gave me the impetus to do something when he encouraged me to “blog about it.”  Here is my short list of the 5 things Muslim girls need to know, from a guys perspective about what message their profile sends to a prospective suitor (some of them also apply to guys as well):

1.  Seven pictures that wont bring the boys (girls) to your yard

When people refer to the marriage process in terms of a “meat market”, it’s not an exaggeration; it’s the sad reality.  When signing up for an online service, you really are in a “market” setting.  The online “marriage” scene is a “one click” process- your picture is the first, and often final, impression because a person takes an immediate glance and needs to decide to read your profile or move on.  Marketing yourself is critical to taking advantage of the site.

The following are 7 things you should not post as your profile picture or in your gallery:

  1. Pictures of flowers, a masjid, the beautiful landscape for some exotic vacation you never really went on.
  2.  Pictures of a part of your body (some guys have foot fetishes, but the operative term is “SOME”, not all or just your eyes (or if you wear a Niqab, you standing in your niqab…no, for real.  Is that really you under there?) or worse someone that is obviously not you, i.e. Salma Hayek.
  3. Pictures of you standing with guys that don’t immediately bring to mind the idea that they are your Dad/Grandfather
  4. Pictures where you are having a “wardrobe malfunction”- okay this is obviously relative, but I have to admit, if it’s a Muslim site your signed on, the rule of thumb is probably go conservative or find another service.
  5. Pictures that are obscure “Oh look! There’s Fatima standing next to a tree (five bloody miles away!).”
  6.  Pictures of some message, especially a joke- (image- http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/if-you-remember-these-your-childhood-was-not-that-awesome.jpeg)
  7. Pictures with other girls, who could also be marriageable.

The same could be said for guys posting up pictures.  I can’t imagine girls being all that thrilled at seeing a guy standing with other girls that all look like they could be his girlfriend, nor would I think girls find it appealing to see hairy pot belly stomach man, wearing a speedo at some nudist beach in Europe.  My advice is simple, think about your profile picture, or any other pictures you post, from the perspective of “Will my mom approve of this picture?” to cover your picture snafu’s (and if your mom is as quirky as you are than ask yourself “will the Imam at most-conservative-masjid-in-the-community approve of this picture?).

2.  Don’t be a contradiction, consistency is important

I read some profiles and honestly I have to wonder how simple words can mean totally different things to people.  Like the line “I am a practicing Muslim girl, looking for a religious Muslim boy”- Great! So am I.  But the pictures posted up show a girl at some night club, wearing a short skirt.  So, sure you can be a “Muslim girl” but do you honestly believe a “religious Muslim boy” would be into that?  Or, maybe my conception of “Muslim” and “religious” are just really off?

Then there are the subtle contradictions.  The profile will say “Muslim girl, independent and career orientated…looking for a guy who will complete my other half, be supportive and adventurous” but after a brief exchange guys get the sense that the girl cares nothing about her career because she’s looking to be a stay-at-home-wife, and she considers going to dinner parties on the weekdays adventurous.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of that, but in a situation where you are trying to “market” yourself and get the right types of guys, language matters.

If you say something you should live up to it, the same applies to guys.  The only difference is guys move on when faced with contradictions or inconsistency.  Unfortunately guys are fickle because they have choices, backed up by the “Good Muslim Guy Shortage” theory.

3.  Before searching for Mr. Right, make sure you’re Mrs. Right

Girls usually complain about how they always talked to the wrong guy.  I am not saying guys shouldn’t be Mr. Right when you’re talking to them, they should, but I do think that girls have two things working against them- first, guys have choice; second, coupled with choice, girls not knowing what they want leaves us with the power.  Girls keep talking to the wrong guys and often times they feel powerless because of it.

I think marriage is more about finding yourself, than it is you finding your other half.  If girls come to the table having exact notion of what they are looking for from a guy, then they wont spend so much time talking to all the Mr. Not-Rights.  Empowering yourself with knowledge is good way to shift gears, think of it in the terms of marketing a car.

If you are trying to sell a Mercedes Benz but your market is largely people looking to buy a practical car, you won’t advertise the Benz in terms of its high luxury status, but you will emphasize its practical features.  The same goes for you.  People advertising a Benz know exactly what product they are dealing with and the market.  Enabling them to speak to that product and also the market they want to advertise it in because they have done the market and product research.  In the realm of marriage if you understand yourself- strengths and weaknesses, habits and peculiarities, the larger picture of what makes you tick- looking for a guy to compliment you becomes easier.

The process of getting married shouldn’t be this blind game where you’re playing Russian roulette, going from one guy-who’s-not-right to another that probably worse.  People will evolve over time as they go through the marriage process and especially after marriage.   But starting the process as a blank slate you will have a difficult time finding Mr. Right (and vice versa).

4.  Be down with the process

There are a lot of girls on the internet relationship sites who, for no fault of their own, don’t understand the process.  Part of the problem is that parents or siblings create profiles in the hopes of helping them get married.  Regardless of what brings them to the site, they treat it like another tool in a toolbox for modern day Muslim marriage process.  If anything this speaks to the dire situation we as a community are faced with in terms of the “marriage process.”  What I want to point out is that guys using the site are using it to skirt the “traditional” process.

Of coarse there are guys out there trolling- shame on them!  If you want a traditional process to get married where parents of the two prospective people sit down and meet each other, or you want the guy to call your dad and ask for his permission to talk to you- the site is two steps ahead of that process.  Using the site to fit directly into a traditional marriage process turns guys away.  I don’t think this gives license to guys to not seek out a Fathers permission or to go elope, but it does mean that before meeting the future-in-laws the two people first talk, get to know each other and then discuss the possibility of next steps (which itself is a pretty awkward process).

5.  No, Really you are still in control of the process, but there are consequences

Process is really important.  The online sites establish these protocols to go about contacting, searching, communicating and ending interactions between your prospective interests.  I personally like eHarmony in terms of process, but the price is redunkulous!  If you aren’t using eHarmony, than you- as a girl- can still control the process.  Set ground rules for communications.  Just to state the obvious, you shouldn’t be giving out your cell phone or other private information out until you are most comfortable with the whole conversation that has taken place (that means praying istikharah, talking to your parents, doing a google search-more on this later).

You control the process so you get to tell the person you’re talking to how things will proceed.  BUT YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE THIS TO THE GUY, especially since guys suck at communicating.  Understand what process your comfortable with and communicate that clearly.  The “whats next” guessing game sucks, but for you girls, its painful as well.  While you have the ability to control the process, guys are the commodities in short supply.  I mean there is a “good Muslim guy shortage” right?  We can easily just stop caring and move on because we have “options” (I don’t condone such behavior!)- so if you know how you want to go about the process, lay it out so the guy has metrics to gauge where things are going.  The downside, if you got to many rules than as a guy I am bound to break them.  So be generous and keep it simple and practical.

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